I'm Glad I Always Wear Sneakers
by Shy-Shadow Reckless
Summary: Now for the opposite, instead of me stuck with them, they're stuck with me.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing, I never will own anything.

I'm Glad I Always Wear Sneakers

I'm not really a fainting sort of person, but if I were suddenly dumped into Middle Earth I bet I'd learn real fast.

I've already talked at length about why I don't deserve the Fellowship in my house. My only other option is to go on the quest myself. Despite the part of myself that quietly admits I'd sort of like to at least meet them, I know it's a bad idea. Let's bring in an opinion that's based in reality. If I appeared in the middle of Elrond's council with all kinds of knowledge about the quest, I'd most likely be locked up very quickly. Not because they're mean horrible people, but because they're smart. Making sure that no one evil ends up knowing what I know is going to be their priority. Their second thought is going to be using that information for themselves. But then a lot of what I know is a bit jumbled now. I tend to pick the bits I like from book and movie canon, I'd probably only have the big details right. Imagine the interrogation-type scene. "Oh c'mon you know his name, that guy, well, I'm not sure if he's going to be there, are you book or movie verse? Is Glorfindel around or did Arwen rescue the hobbits?"

But really what are the odds that they'd let me go on the quest? I've never picked up a sword in my life and apart from being able to kick higher than anyone in my self-defence class because of ballet lessons, I'm still fairly useless in that area. I'm not even a fast runner. And unless the quest involves being able to leap piles of books in a single bound or defeat the dreaded unknown mouldy object that my cat brought in, I don't think I'd be much help. I can't even read maps that well. I get lost three blocks from my house. (seriously, it happened once. People take maps away from me and refuse to listen to my directions) I have no sense of direction. As my sister noted, I'd wind up washing dishes in Rivendell or something.

But let's suspend disbelief and pretend they let me come along. Day one I can think of a problem. Several actually. I get the feeling I'm not fit enough to walk along at a fast walk all day. And I don't think the Fellowship would be very sympathetic to me whining about it either. Then there's the fact that I think of distance in very different terms to them. I think 'Five hundred k's? That'd be about five six hours once we hit the freeway." The Fellowship would think about the same distance in days. But I'd have a slight advantage over some fangirls, I use public transport quite a bit and I'm used to having three hour travel times that would take fifteen minutes to drive. (if you used cityrail you'd understand). And I can ask 'Are we there yet?' in more than one language. I believe that would be a valuable skill. That could be something that I could teach Pippin, I bet Gandalf would love that. Plus I always wear sneakers, I wouldn't have to struggle along in heels or anything.

I don't even want to think about certain girl issues I'd have to face every month or so. And at least Guide camps had Portaloos. Middle Earth is like an episode of Star Trek, there are no toilets. I could stand sleeping on the ground though, that wouldn't irritate me as much.

So let's ignore the obvious problems and concentrate on something I'd see as a problem I'm Aussie and I didn't see snow until I was sixteen and I had to go to Europe to do that. Not that I went to Europe just to see snow. Although I don't seem to feel the cold as much as some of my fellow Australians, imagine the shock of going to Middle Earth's Autumn or whenever it is from my Summer. It's normal for it to hit high the thirties everyday here in January and February and I can remember one memorable day when it was 45 degrees (Celsius that is) They climb a mountain and the Fellowship almost freeze to death. I'd be hypothermic just beyond the snowline. Even if I did arrive in what I consider winter clothes someone would say, 'What will you wear if the weather turns cold?' I mean no one really wears short sleeves in Middle Earth. The only exceptions seem to be those who aren't human and I think I'd be staying human thank you very much. I think I'd have enough problems dealing with life without DVDs and microwave popcorn without changing races and finding out that I'm related to someone through a series of coincidences that Shakespeare would consider implausible. There would be swearing. Lots of it.

Then there'd be the almost crushing feeling of what you know. You'd have it weighing on you all the time. How could you joke around with these people? In some ways you've been inside their heads, seen what they think, read their soliloquies. You've invaded a portion of their lives just by reading the books, you've spied on them by watching the movies. If someone had done that to me I'd be devastated and almost broken. At least Galadriel is sort of polite about it. As a reader we barge in without limits. That said I'm not going to stop reading.

The all important story. Could you honestly tell me you wouldn't be tempted to change things? We rage at Mary-Sues when they do that, disturb canon, but I can understand why. Yelling at Gandalf, "It's Mellon, you twit! Now hurry up and get inside before we're Watcher-food and I get all wet and cold! AGAIN!"; would be a minor offence on my part. There's the fact that I'd be around Boromir for months before he's meant to be killed. Love him or hate him, could you really just let him die? I don't know what I could do about it, but I'd hate myself for not trying. Not just for him, what about the looks on Merry and Pippin's faces? Guilt doesn't always fade. Although the same could be said about Boromir's guilt about trying to take the ring if he lived.

But then if I did help him then I'd have the fun of being able to stare at Eomer and Boromir at the same time. C'mon, you know they'd argue at least once with the Gondor/Rohan rivalry there's meant to be. But maybe canon itself resists change and whatever I did Boromir would die anyway. Helm's Deep, Black Gate, he could catch the flu for all I know. Well that was strangely D&M for me.

But back to the quest. I'm not obsessive-compulsive clean by any stretch of the imagination but I appreciate a shower. They don't have those during epic journeys apparently. It seems to be getting rained on or falling into a freezing cold river for shower options. Does snow get you clean? I was too busy slipping on black ice to notice. Or else I guess you just have to wait until you get to the nearest elf-haven or city. Maybe there's laws I don't know about that govern the shower issue. I sincerely hope Aragorn didn't come up with them. No offence intended.

Showers somehow lead me into another concern of mine. I'd be considered more of a scholar than a fighter (Got three university degrees already) Then there'd be the 'she's just a woman' thought they'd have from time to time. They might be polite enough not to say it to my face, but they'd think it. Annoyingly those are the times they're living in, doesn't mean I'd have to like or accept it. But I'd be thinking something like 'that is such a guy thing to say' every once in a while so I can't complain too much. By the end of the first week I'd want to talk to girl just to complain about them. If I'm going to commit the sin of being a tenth walker, I might as well drag along an eleventh. Preferably female and preferably someone I don't want to kill. At least to start off with. I'd want to kill her by the end of the quest though. Maybe that would solve the Boromir problem, the 'oh just get away from me' factor that seems to crop up every time I'm stuck with someone for an extended period of time. Nah. I like to think I'm not that vindictive.

But really would anyone in the Fellowship actually like me? It would be a huge disappointment if they didn't. And who would it reflect on? Me or them? My inner ego voice would say it was them, but then my inner fan voice would say that the Fellowship gets along with a lot of people so maybe I'd be the problem.

Sigh. Who wants to be I'd be one the first 10th walkers to marry no one and die before Aragorn's coronation? The odds are looking good.

Next up, being stuck there 200 years before the fact.

AN: Thanks to all reviewers and thanks to Robert for inventing the 'inner ego voice'


	2. Chapter 2

Don't own now, unlikely to in the foreseeable future.

Sneakers and Middle Earth and Timing

Sneakers. I could rhapsodise about my sneakers all day. Especially my blue Colorado sneakers. There's just something wonderful about them. I've owned many pairs of sneakers in my time, ranging from no-name brands to Nike and let me just say, Colorado sneakers have blown them all away. Maybe it's the fact that they're blue and don't look annoyingly white against blue denim, or that from day one they've never given me blisters, even if I wear them without socks. (Mainly when I go to state cricket games. Go the Blues!)

Clearly I love my sneakers. It's something about the fact that you can float down the Yarra River on a lilo while wearing them without the fear of your bare feet touching something icky. That they can double as boating shoes so when your canoe capsizes you have something to kick your at fault canoeing partner with. And if you have to run away from Orcs, in my eyes there's nothing better than a pair of sneakers. But the getting wet and muddy and honours should never be forced upon my blue Colorado sneakers. They've had enough to deal with since having smoked salmon smeared on them by someone who shall remain an annoying relative of mine. I can't quite decide yet if I want my beloved Colorado sneakers to have to be subjected to Middle Earth. Maybe my Puma sneakers would do. I don't mind so much if they have to go through water and mud, getting wet and mangled and muddy and almost completely destroyed. But if I figure the odds, I'd most likely be wearing my blue Colorado sneakers, jeans and a tank top. And possibly horribly patterned socks.

But enough about my sneakers. I'm betting you think that I secretly work for a major shoe corporation by now, possibly Colorado. I don't. I don't even really consider myself a shoe person. I'm an English tutor, but that's a different story. So instead I'm going to take a minute or two to talk about coincidence. It's a huge coincidence that lots of girls who get dropped into Middle Earth happen to be going camping with lots of stuff that's incredibly handy to ensure extended survival in Middle Earth (Like the bow and arrows because "I might get a chance to practice" Bleh, that's believable) Life doesn't work like that. I wouldn't be going camping, knowing my luck I'd be in the shower. Wouldn't that be fan-bloody-tastic.

It's also a massive coincidence that most people tend arrive at about the time of Elrond's council. I'm a bigger fan of people trapped in Moria myself. There's several thousand years of history in Middle Earth and we're talking about (according to movie-Frodo time) a very small window of about a year or so. Throwing in six months either side, so that people trust you by the time the quest rolls around and you've got about two years. Hell of a target to hit. I'd wind up there two hundred years before anything significant (we're talking quest-wise here) happened. A problem for me since none of the males I like would be around. I'm not really a fan of Legolas, thought through fanfic and non-appearances in the movies I have major soft spots for Glorfindel, Elladan and Elrohir. But overall I'm more into the Rohirrim and Gondorians.

But some of the standard rules apply, hygiene issues, possible language barrier, social attitudes you get the picture. And unless I wrote it down and convinced someone long-lifed that I wasn't incredibly insane, what I know about the ring would probably die with me. Although I could become a wandering storyteller retelling the Last Alliance stories so that someone would at least be open to the idea that the ring could resurface. I just like the storyteller idea anyway, imagine all the stories I know that no one would have heard. Star Wars would be fun to tell (minus the technobabble obviously), the Narnia stories, King Arthur, Dracula, many many Disney or Brothers Grimm tales.The list is beginning tosound like a movie marathon. At least storytelling and the making up of stories is something I can do. No worries about being trained for absolutely nothing then. The wandering part of the idea is where it kinda falls apart. They still had orcs two hundred years ago. And to date I am still not a sword fighting champion.

But the storyteller idea could, conceivably, lead to the cardinal sin of self-insertion, changing canon. Maybe. It would be tempting to track down Gandalf and warn him about Saruman. But he probably wouldn't believe me anyway. If some weirdo showed up and said that a very respected leader and friend was, or would be, in league with one of the greatest evils your world had ever known, would you believe them? Just as I thought. Especially if they added the fun little detail that you were going to be killed by a balrog, but get better. I'd have to admit I wouldn't believe me either. If I were a wizard I'd turn me into something.

If you were living Middle Earth 200 years before the quest your options would be fairly limited. I figure I'd wind up growing turnips on a farm in a no-name village for the ancestor of some guy who won't even get a line's worth of description in Tolkien's work. Or you could try to make it to one of the elf territories, they might believe you and maybe you could get to meet the elf of your choice. Maybe that's why Haldir's the way he is. He fell in love with you, but you lived out your mortal life and died, breaking his heart, but making sure that he swore he wouldn't fade and die so he'd be there to be snarky to the Fellowship. (And yes those would probably be my exact words) It would explain his attitude.

Imagine living in Gondor 200 years before Boromir and Faramir were kicking around. You could set your sights on a completely different Steward's son, marry them, and become their ancestor instead. It might not even disturb canon to do that. But it would cringeworthy to discover you were a fangirl of your great-great-great-grandson. (Try working out the greats for anyone with any elvish blood, who the hell knows how long any of them lived for before having children) Depending on which generation of the Hurins you meet, you might be able to finally settle the dispute of what kind of man Ecthelion was. Or just really irritate Aragorn while he's in Gondor as Thorongil. But then you wouldn't be there 200 years ago, and to be there 200 years early justsounds cooler.

Sanity wise I think it would be smarter to seek out someone you've actually heard of. So you hold on to something familiar and not feel so isolated and abandoned. In Hitchhiker Arthur Dent notes that he'd feel perfectly safe on a alien spaceship surrounded by aliens one of whom is trying to put a fish in his ear, if he could only see a box of cornflakes. I think the same principle applies here. Hanging around with elves might also prevent the slight superiority complex I occasionally worry about getting. You know, the "I know how to program the clock on my video recorder and the clock on the microwave and I can spell DNA, so I clearly know more than you, you pre-industrial person." It's hard to feel that was when elves are lounging around being better than you at everything. (Incidentally I can program the clock on the video recorder and microwave, I can even set timer record too. I am also the only one in the house who knows what all the buttons on the various remotes actually do. I tend to have sole possession of the remote controls a lot and I am unlikely to give up that position of power. Around here is where the strange little power-drunk laugh would go.)

I do actually worry about that. I don't consider myself an arrogant person and hopefully I don't some across as one, but would that happen? Would I consider myself superior to other people that I'd meet there just because I know things about the world that they don't? I hope not. Although if I wind up a turnip farmer or something there's a lot I don't know about that. Hard to be arrogant I figure when you don't know Jack. Come to think of it, despite the apparent popularity of the name Jack (check out any movie, usually there's a Jack in there somewhere), I've never met a Jack. Weird. It's highly unlikely I'd meet a Jack in Middle Earth either.

Please review should the mood take you and thanks to all those who did review.


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